Conflicted Emotions--One Year Later

When I went to post yesterday's post, I realized that today was exactly one  year since my last post.  In the post a year ago, I shared some emotions I was experiencing about the birth of Jacob and the effect it was going to have on my relationship with Caleb.

On the morning of January 17th, 2011, Julie was induced into labor.  After struggling with labor all day, Julie was exhausted and had fallen asleep late in the evening.  As I sat in the quiet of the hospital room while Julie dozed, I was overcome by the emotions that I had been feeling for quite some time.  I felt the need to write about my emotions and try to make some sense of what I was feeling, so I tapped out that post on my phone while Julie slept.

After I wrote the post, Julie drifted in and out of sleep through the night as contractions came and went and Jacob was finally delivered just before noon on January 18th.

As I look back over that post and reflect on the past year, I am happy to report that everything has turned out great!  The things I was worried about have not even come close to passing.

Caleb and I still have a very special relationship.  In fact, he experienced some jealousy early on after we brought Jacob home and he expressed his jealously by clinging even tighter to me than he had before.  We still do all the things we did together then and we still have basically the same routine.  Julie's schedule takes her out of the house before Caleb is awake, so I'm still responsible for waking him and getting him ready for school.  I still give him his bath and I still read to him at bedtime.  We haven't lost anything that I feared losing and we are as close as we always have been.

Even better, Caleb and Jacob adore each other.  Caleb has tremendous concern for his brother.  He wants to help feed him and do other things for him.  He is truly concerned with Jacob's well being.  As for Jacob, he has been fascinated with his big brother from very early on.  Now that he can crawl, he tries to follow Caleb all over the house.  He can't quite keep up yet, but soon he will.

Of course, we are starting to see some sibling rivalry as Jacob is starting to show an interest in Caleb's toys.  But I know deep down that Caleb loves his brother deeply.  He is going to be a tremendous big brother as I predicted a year ago.

I still feel some inadequacy as a father.  I worry that I am not savoring these days and that they are slipping away too quickly.  I worry that we don't take advantage of these days while we have them.  I know Julie shares this fear with me and I imagine it is a common fear.  But we do the best we can.

I still go in their room at night and watch them sleep.  It gives me such peace to look at one and then the other.  No matter how my day goes, those few minutes of quiet in their room push aside any negativity and magnify anything that is positive.

I love both boys deeply.  They are my sons and I am so proud of them.  I pray for and look forward to many days and years ahead with them and I look forward to seeing the men they will grow to be.

One year ago tonight, I was full of angst.  Tonight, that angst is replaced by a sense of comfort and hope.