Humorous News

Some stories are just too funny and must speak for themselves.

Becoming a Man

I passed a milestone this week. I bought only my second can of shaving cream, ever. I'm a 32 year old man.

That's right, I haven't paid for a can of shaving cream since 1993. I bough my first can of shaving cream the summer after I graduated from high school. I had received a razor in the mail from Gillette. I have always assumed that they purchased my name from the government after I registered with Selective Service. After I got the razor, I went out and bought some shaving cream so that I could actually shave.

You see, unfortunately, my family is missing the hair gene. I have so little hair on my body that I'm surprised I actually have any hair on my head. But the hair on my head is really thick and I've oftened wondered why it couldn't spread out some. This has some unfortunate consequences, such as the kids in middle school who thought I did not have eyebrows because mine were blonde and very thin. (They have since darkened near the bridge of my nose, but still look thin overall.)

I have also always had a baby face. Becuase I have little hair, I don't shave very often. But that still does not explain why I only on my second can of shave cream.

That summer, when I moved to college, they gave everyone in the dorm a "good stuff" box full of supplies like shaving cream, a toothbrush, cologne samples, asprin samples. It was basically a marketing gimmick. Well, they had one of these boxes in every room. There was an excess case of these boxes that was placed in the lobby for anyone to take as they wanted. Being a very cheap person (and out on my own for the first time), I raided that case with several other people. I stocked up on everything: Shaving cream, colognes, pills, whatever else was in that box. Most of that stuff is long since gone. But I had probably 25 or 30 cans of shaving cream. They all fit in an old Timberland shoe box. The cans are sample size, so they were only three or four inches tall and they filled this shoe box.

Everytime I moved (in and out of the dorm, into apartments, different cities), that shoe box always went with me. I could never seem to make any headway on using up all that stuff and thought about throwing it out from time to time because I thought I would never use it all. But again, I can be a very cheap person, so it stayed with me.

The problem was exacerbated by the fact that I have actually owned a couple of electric razors over time. So I rarely did a wet shave...only for dates and important events. Day to day, I would use the electric razor.

Well, sometime last year, there was an unfortunate accident with the razor. It was knocked off the bathroom counter (by someone who shall remain nameless but knows who they are) onto the tile floor and broke. Shortly after, I got a real job and have been shaving three times a week.

Suddenly, I started moving through the last few cans I had fairly quickly. I knew I was close to running out, so I finally bought a new can last week. Sure enough, I emptied the last can this morning.

As corny as this sounds, as I threw that can away, I couldn't help but think about how that stupid little can of shaving cream was a physical connection to my days at Lipscomb and a time in my life when I was relatively carefree. Back then, I did not have a wife, bills to pay, job to worry about. Throwing that can away felt like severing one more cord that tied me to a great time.

Don't get me wrong. I love my life and I am looking forward to things that God has in store for me, but I tend to be (overly) nostalgic.

While that can of shaving cream is simply an object, it somehow represented more this morning. Who knew that God could use a stupid can of shaving cream to remind me to treasure the moments I have now with the ones I love?

I certainly didn't.

New Mexico rules!

Having grown up in New Mexico, I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the state and I will always keep an eye on the college programs there -- the UNM Lobos and the New Mexico State Aggies -- even though I am a big Hurricane fan. And ever since my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Breast Cancer right before my wedding, I have had an interest in the issue of Breast Cancer. So I was really pleased when I read this article this morning. My only regret is that I can't go to the game and support this effort.

Poof

Just like that, what had been a quiet storm season suddenly got interesting. Nothing to worry about yet, but we will keep a wary eye on the developments.

Holidays around the world.

America needs a new holiday: I propose October 4.

I Shoulda Been a Cowboy!

I'll write about our annivesary later. Right now, Julie and I are about to head up to West Palm Beach to see Toby Keith tonight with our friends Jeff and Sarah. Jeff was in law school with me and is a fellow country music fan. The surprising thing is his wife wanted to go. She usually complains when he plays country music.

I'm really excited. I love Toby's music. One of the things Julie and I have missed since moving to Florida is country music. There is one station and it is just OK. When concerts come this far south, they usually only make it to West Palm, so we don't go to many of them. But this one is on the weekend, so we are going.

Hopefully it won't rain.

Celebration

After posting yesterday about the Dodgers' dismal performance, they came through with a win yesterday. Too bad they dug themselves a nice little hole that they will have a hard time escaping. I'm not hopeful for the playoffs just yet.

It's hard to get excited about preseason football, and no stock should be placed in what happens during the preseason, but it sure was nice to watch some football last night. It was really nice to see Tony Romo perform well in his two series. Hopefully he can shake off the playoff bobble and come back strong this year.

The real celebration is tonight. Julie and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary on Tuesday. Of course, we celebrated by putting off our real celebration until tonight. We'll be going to Red Fish Grill tonight because Julie wanted to do something on the water. We found out about this place earlier this year when we were supposed to have a firm dinner there. But when the Senior Partner tried to make reservations, the place had been booked for a wedding reception. So we were eager to try it out. We will also exchange our gifts tonight. We have had fun buying each other the traditional gifts and it is always fun to see how creative we can be. I had a bit of a mental block this year and was not as creative as I like to be. I hope that Julie likes what I got her.

But don't fret, there are a few romantic bones in my body and I did not let Tuesday pass without any recognition of the significance of the day. I woke Julie up at 12:05 A.M. to say happy anniversary first. I then brought her chocolate from a chocolate shop we found out about earlier this year near my office. She's been asking me to go get chocolate and I waited until now to surprise her with some.

So I'll post later to talk about our gifts and our dinner.

Baseball

Well, Barry Bonds has broken the all time homerun record. I can't stand it. Not so much because of the allegetions of steroids and other performance enhancers, but because the guy is a big jerk. He's an egotistical crybaby. To have him hold the home record and the The Face of baseball's most treasured statistic is a sad day.

I consider the post Barry Bonds era to be Baseball Held Hostage. Today is day 2. Hopefully one of these days Alex Rodriguez or Albert Pujols or some other power hitter will come along and break Bonds's record.

As for the Dodgers, they continue their annual tradition of fouling up the place after the All-Star break. They usually go in the tank right after the break. This year they waited a while...even built up a lead of a few games. Now they have lost 15 of the last 19 and have been shut out three straight games. As usual, looks like there is really nothing to be interested in beyond September again.

Of course, the best thing about baseball in August is that football is just around the corner. The Cowboys have been in camp for a while and have their first pre-season game tonight. And the Hurricanes started practicing this past week. This is an exciting time. If things come together, some people consider the Cowboys a contender in the NFC. Meanwhile, even though it will take a while to undo the damage of the Larry Coer era at UM (I liked the guy, but it became painfully evident the program was headed in the wrong direction), you can't help but be excited about Randy Shannon. Things are looking up.

So I am anxiously awaiting a new football season with a new coach for both my college and NFL teams. I guess we'll see how it goes.

Until kick-off, I can at least stay entertained with my fantasy baseball team. And who knows, maybe the Dodgers will sneak into th playoffs again so that they can get swept again just like last year.

A Thief in the Night

Wow, it's been a month since my last post. My how time flies. It sure can get away from you if you don't pay attention to the things that are important.

My next few posts were going to be about books I've read recently. But that changed this weekend.

I spent the weekend in Tennessee. We got to see Julie's parents and that was nice, but the trip wasn't planned. We took the trip at the last minute

You see, a fraternity brother of mine from college named Kyle Hutchison died last week. He was one year older than me. He didn't die in a car wreck or something else you would expect to take a young person's life. He just died. It's shocking to say the least.

So I had to make the pilgrimage back to Tennessee. I had to be there for the rest of my brothers. I had to be there because Kyle impacted my life. During pledging, Kyle instilled in me confidence. I had never been challenged to push myself mentally or physically until I pledged. Kyle made sure I worked hard. And the confidence that I gained those few weeks back in the Fall of 1994 have carried me through law school, jobs, layoffs and personal struggles. Kyle and I weren't close and had not talked in a long time. But my life is different for knowing him. And I found out just how many lives were different because of him at his funeral. RIP Kyle. I love you.

Kyle lived a life that when you look at it and hear all the people he touched, you want to be a better person. I sit here on birthday contemplating that. I could be a much better person. I could be a harder worker. I could be a better Christian. I could be a better friend. I could be a better family member. I could be a better husband. The list goes on.

I wasn't sure what to expect going back for the funeral. My fraternity was my life in college. Then Julie came along and she became my life. While I was still in school, I was still involved with the fraternity, but after graduation, I gently faded away. After moving to Miami, I fell completely out of touch. There is one member of my fraternity that I have had contact with in the last couple of years. But I was welcomed with open arms. People were glad to see me. People's lives had changed, but I was taken in during the day as if I had never gone.

I have thought about those guys often the last few years. I know many of them are still good friends and hang out all the time. I have wanted that and longed for that. One of my biggest regrets is that I did not hold on to my relationships as I left college and I did not know if I would ever get them back. But maybe this tragedy will get me back on that road.

The saddest part of this is that I did not hear the news from any of my brothers. None of them knew how to get in touch with me. I heard through Julie and was fortunate to find out in time to get back for the funeral.

As I celebrate my birthday and look to the future, I have resolved to pay attention to my relationships and not take them for granted anymore. I have gotten into a routine of assuming people will always be there for me. I realize that I need to nurture the relationships I have with people and make sure they know I care. Because I never have the chance to rebuild my relationship with Kyle. I hate that. It's not fair. But the past cannot be changed. I can only affect what happens today. And with that, I will move on, one day at a time, striving to never forget the people that are important in my life.

Happy Mother's Day!

I know it is a day early, but I won't be online tomorrow.

So I want to send a special greeting out to my mother.

I recently started practicing law at the age of 31. This is a dream I have followed for as long as I can remember. My mother has been there every step of the way supporting me and dreaming my dream with me.

My mother bandaged bruises, nursed me when I was sick, cheered my accomplishments and most of all, she has loved me. That is the most important thing. It seems so simple, but a mother's love is wonderful, complex thing. It can prop you up when you are down and it can help you soar when you are up.

Thanks mom. Thanks for always being there. Thanks for always caring. Thanks for being you.

I love you. Happy Mother's Day!

He gets paid for this?

I am a sports fan. A HUGE sports fan. I love watching sports and I love reading about sports. Most sports columnists are just blowhards who try to be controversial or go against the grain. You understand it and you acccept it as you read most things. But occasionally, one of these guys will write something that is just hilarious. Especially when they are proven to be flat out wrong just a day later. One of the Miami Herald's writers had that experience this week. Greg Cote wrote a column saying that the dolphins should give Daunte Culpepper and Ricky Williams a second chance. Ricky Williams, of course, is the guy that quit on the Dolphins a couple of years ago right before training camp and then decided to "unretire." Since then, he has been suspended by the NFL for testing positive for marijuana use. In his column, Cote had this to say:

These are two proven, productive weapons when healthy and unsuspended, which both seem close to finally being.

and this:

In Williams' last uninterrupted season (2003), he rushed for 1,372 yards, caught 50 passes and had 10 touchdowns. Draftee Lorenzo Booker is an NFL maybe. Williams is proven.

Williams' last uninterrupted season was 2003? The last three seasons have been "interrupted" not by injurie, but by quitting and by drug suspensions. And Cote says Williams is proven? Of course he bases this on Williams saying that he has been "sober" (or whatever you call it when you have a drug problem) for a ridiculous amount of time.

So of course, after writing this, what comes out? Ricky Williams has failed his fifth drug test.

I just find it funny. Ths guy has the ability to be one of best running backs of all time. But he can't stay on the field. Some people are being apologists for Ricky and blaming his drug use on "Social Anxiety Disorder." Apparently a "disease" that disables people when they get around a large group of people. Ricky has to "blaze" (as people called it on the radio last night) just to be comfortable. To me, it's just plain selfishness. He has a contract with the Dolphins. He has made commitments to teammates. All Ricky has "proven" is that he is untrustworthy and does not deserve any more chances from the Dolphins or the NFL!

So anyway, I find it ironic for Cote. Of course in his blog, he says he included a caveat about Ricky giving up pot. Nice backtracking there. He bought Ricky Williams song and dance, wrote a column about it, and now he looks foolish. I wonder what the going rate is at the Herald for blowhard sports columnist. Might be time for a career change.

Life in South Florida

It's spring time and the smell of smoke is in the air. Yes, head out the door, take a big breath and smell the acrid smell of smoke. As you can see in this article, South Florida has been covered in a blank of smoke since early in the week.
To get an idea of what it has been like, check out this picture:


There are fires all over the state as well as a really big one up in south Georgia near the Florida border. To make matters worse, the winds are steering the smoke from all over the state in the direction of Miami. But there is something about the current weather pattern that makes it just stall and hang out over miami.

It was actually kind of cool when it rolled in early in the week. From my office, I cold see it on the horizon. It looked like a really low cloud, like the really heavy thunderstorms we get in the summer. What was strange was the odd orange color. I wasn's sure if it was smog or clouds being tinted by the sunlight since it was late in the afternoon. Before I left work, my building was in the cloud. Once I got outside and got a whiff of the smoke, it wasn't cool anymore.

I'm tired of it and I hope it goes away soon. The rainy season is supposed to start mid-May, so hopefully we'll start getting some storms to put out the fires as well as some steering currents that will blow the smoke out of here.

Shout Out!

Have to give a shout out to the Metz Family. Congratulations on the birth of your new baby girl. Julie and I love you guys and we are thinking about you.

Healing

This has obviously been a tough week for the people associated with Virginia Tech. I can't begin to imagine the emotions they have gone through. But for all events, there is always a healing process that must begin. In recent years, it seems that sports has played an important role in helping to kick-start that process. Apparently, it is no different with Virginia Tech. Last night, Virginia Tech began the process by hosting their first home athletic event since the massacre. By the luck of the schedule, the UM baseball team got to be a part of that. As an alum and a fan of UM, I am proud of the part that UM got to play and I am extremely proud of how the baseball team has handled themselves.

Yes, I live here.

Must have been some party on South Beach last night.

Quiet Skies

In a rare, but small victory for common sense out of the federal government, the FCC announced today that it will not be lifiting a restriction on the use of cell phones on an airplane during flight. I don't think much needs to be said about this. I would imagine pretty much everyone has had to suffer through some moronic conversation that can't wait ten more minutes as soon as a plane touches down. The thought of having people talking on cell phones in the cramped quarters of an airplane cabin could make even the most seasoned traveler shudder with fear.

For once, thank you federal government. Maybe this bit of common sense will be contagious (unlikely).

I wanted to comment on this article I read last week in the Wall Street Journal. The article is about the construction of the Capitol Visitors Center and how it is way behind schedule and way over budget (of course it is...the government is involved). I think the concept of the visitors center is nice. I like the thought that the lines to get into the Capitol will be indoors in an air conditioned space. I like that people will be able to learn about the Capitol and its history. It is a great concept. But this quote from the article saddens me:

Even its detractors agree that the center will be both informative and pretty.
Pretty enough, perhaps, to make Americans forget that by herding them underground into a separate facility, Congress - the branch of government designed by the Founding Fathers to be closest to the people - is putting even more space between itself and its pesky constituents.
It's likely that the two remaining entrances to the Capitol itself will be closed to all but members and staff, with all visitors funneled through the underground center.

I got to visit D.C. as a Junior in high school and then I lived in D.C. for six weeks after my Junior year in college as an intern for Senator Jeff Bingaman. I love D.C.! It is one of my favorite places in the world. Some of the best memories I have of my summer there revolve around the Capitol. Working across the Street in one of the Senate office buildings, I saw the Capitol every day on my way to work. It was one of the first sights I sas as I drove into town looking for my apartment. Some of the interns where I lived had a running joke about the Capitol being our "office." We would even hang out on the Capitol grounds at night time. We could walk around the plazas, sit on the steps, hang out at the reflecting pool. One of the most pleasurable things I have done is hang out at the Capitol late at night, long after the crowds are gone, and gaze down the mall at the Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial. I was in the Capitol building numerous times. I even gave tours to constituents. My ID badge allowed me to go down some hallways that regular visitors were not in. I knew my way around. I knew where the statues were...I knew where certain staircases went. I could get around so easily. Often, I ate lunch in the dining room and would see Senators on the subway to the Capitol. And of course, I sat in on several sessions. I think most of the gifts I bought in D.C. that summer were bought in the Capitol gift shop. Needless to say, I have very fond memories of that building.

One of the coolest things about the Capitol then was the ease of getting inside. You could enter the building through most of the doors and wander through the building on your own. You could start at the Senate side and wander down toward the House side, lingering wherever you wish. You could pop in one side, stroll through the Rotunda and head to the West Front and see the view down the mall as you emerged from the building.

I knew that access to the Capitol had been tightly controlled since 9/11 and I understand why. We don't want some wacko walking in with a backpack bomb killing several hundred people and severly damaging this historic building. But it makes me sad that we are losing the "freedom" we had to enter the seat of our goverment. And now, there is talk that there will be only one access point for the public? I don't want to be an old fogie, focused on "things were better back in my day." But when I take my children there, I want to have control over the experience. I want to show them around and tell them what a cool place it was. I don't want to be part of the herd.

So I think a visitors center is a great idea. I'm all for the education. But if this is the "expense" it comes with, I don't want it. I hope that someday we can overcome our fear and open the place back up. But I doubt that will happen in my lifetime. And even if it did, we usually don't backtrack on security measures, so this is just how it's going to be.

The post 9/11 generations are truly missing something special.

It's FANtastic!

Thanks to my good friend Clay, I went to my first NBA game last night. I got to the see the Miami Heat play the Atlanta Hawks. Because Clay had his boss's tickets, we were able to sit about ten or fifteen rows up at about the top of the key. Needless to say, the seats were pretty good.

I've never been a really big NBA fan. I usually don't watch games until the playoffs start. But I will rarely turn down tickets to a professional sporting event.

My first impression was that you don't truly appreciate how big those guys are until you watch a game live. Shaq is massive and Alonzo Mourning is not what you would call small. I was able follow the game much better in the arean and was able to watch the whole court. It gave me a much better idea of what goes on during the game. For example, we were behind the Heat bench. When the ball was down on the opposite end of the floor, one of the assistant coaches was up talking to a stat guy over at the scorer's table about fouls and stuff. That was something the camera usually does not focus on or that people rarely notice.

The other interesting thing about being in the arena are the sounds that you don't hear on TV. The swish of the ball on the net. The slight ping as the ball just scrapes the back of the rim on its way in. The sound of the rim popping back into place after a monster dunk. Being able to actually hear the coaches and the players communicate. It was all pretty cool.

As for the dunking, I've been one in recent years to think there is too much emphasis on dunking and not enough on fundamentals. Well, seeing the dunks in the game changed my opinion somewhat. Seeing it live is so much more exciting and you have a much better appreciation for the sheer physicality of getting that high in the air with relatively little effort.

And of course, one of the best perks of seeing a game live are the cheerleaders/dancers. But I won't dwell on that, lest I get in trouble.

After last night, I have now been to all four major professional sports in the U.S. While living in Nashville, I was able to see some NFL games and some hockey games. I have now had the chance to see Major League Baseball and NBA here in Miami. I'm a pretty lucky guy. Hopefully, I will get the chance to go back to a Heat game, but it will be pretty hard to go back up to the nosebleeds. Those seats last night were pretty good.

Final Four

Well, the Final Four is set, and I must do a little bragging. I am in second place in my Facebook group (don't ask about my other brackets) thanks to going 4/4 in picking this year's Final Four. I'm pretty sure that this is the first time I have ever nailed all four teams in the Final Four in a single bracket, and I have filled out many brackets in my time. Of course, that does not mean anything if I don't get the final two or the champ right. But I will bask in this glory for a few days at least. In case your wondering, I've got the Buckeyes beating the Gators in the championship game.

That is a very intriguing matchup. Stewart Mandel at CNNSI.COM had a great column talking about the Final Four subplot with the potential OSU/UF rematch in the final game.

Personally, I think OSU fans are scared to death of the prospect of playing UF in the final. After the basketball team lost to UF in December and after the football team got destroyed in the Fiesta Bowl, I would imaging that Buckeyes everywhere are dreading a game with UF and are rooting for UCLA accordingly. As for that Fiesta Bowl, I must confess, even though I hated seeing UF win a football championship, there was a part of me that took pleasure in the beating OSU took. As any good Miami fan, there will always be a part of me that harbors some bitterness at the way the UM/OSU Fiesta Bowl went down back in 2003. So, for me at least, even though I can't stand the Gators, it was kind of cool to see OSU come into that game as prohibitive favorites and lose, much the way Miami did in the previous game. Kind of poetic justice.

Anyway, I don't really care who wins this weekend, except of course as it relates to my bracket, so I will pull for Ohio State, if for no other reason than my Buddy Adam may never come see us if UF beats OSU again.

Trumped Up

As a follow up to yesterday's post, I am currently reading Rick Reilly's book: Who's Your Caddy?. I'll give my overall impression of the book when I am done (like i promised
a long time ago...and no, I never finished Stealing Elections). But the basic premise of the book is that Reilly spent a couple of years caddying for various people. Of course, one of the people who took him up on his offer was Donald Trump. The chapter confirmed a lot of the things I have come to think about Trump. Trump is an ego maniac who only values things by their monetary worth. As I said yesterday, the theme song for his show is about money and he always implies that the number and worth of the things you own are how you measure success. He usually introduces tasks by calling the company sponsoring the task as the best in their industry or they have X amount of revenue. It gets annoying. Well, according to Reilly, that's just the way he is. Everything he does has to be the best. And he'll tell you how much he spent to make it so. As Reilly notes, his golf club up in New York has the "best cheeseburger chef in the East" or something along those lines. As Reilly quipped, "they rank cheeseburger chefs?" Everything boils down to a dollar figure with Trump. That's the only way he knows how to measure something. But is he really that unique? I think many Americans are like that. We live a culture that is saturated with possessions. So the only way we can tell a difference from one another is by who spent the most on their possessions. I am fortunate enough to have an education that put me into a career where I will have to opportunity to have a nice living. I just pray that I don't measure its worth in dollar signs. I pray that I will be a generous person and that I won't get caught up trying to have what the Joneses have.