Shortly after the 2008 election, I came to the conclusion that I had allowed myself to get to emotionally invested in the outcome of the election and I allowed to much of my identity to be wrapped up on partisan politics. Since that revelation, I have stepped back from politics and I now hold it at arm’s length. I have yet to define what level of participation, if any, I will have in the political process. However, I have had an interest in politics for a very long time. Even if I completely cut myself off from the political game, there will always be a part of me that itches to be involved.
Because of my past interest in politics, I have always enjoyed reading political books. In particular, I am fascinated by books that go behind the scenes to give a glimpse of the inner workings of a campaign machine or the daily operations of an officeholder and staff. As much as I want to distance myself from the partisan nature of politics, I am still interested in the nuts and bolts of how it actually works.
When George W. Bush’s Decisions Points came out in 2010, I immediately knew I would want to read it. His presidency was the first to begin in my adulthood and the first that I truly paid attention to. I volunteered for his reelection campaign in 2004. Although I was disillusioned with his presidency by the time he left office, I generally felt he did a good job in the midst of historical and challenging circumstances. I hoped the book would give some great insight into his years in office.
The book is organized thematically with each chapter devoted to a particular area of policy. As Bush states in the introduction, his purpose is to highlight a particular decision or series of related decisions by describing how and why those decisions were made. After the first couple of chapters briefly describe his childhood and his career prior to politics, the book describes the most prominent events of his administration ranging from his various staffing choices to 9/11 to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and an overview of his major domestic policies.
Each chapter begins with an poignant anecdote central to the content of that chapter. The rest of the chapter describes the background of a policy and the decisions that were made with respect to that policy. Several chapters conclude with Bush’s thoughts on how a particular policy should continue to play out now that he is out of office.
I found the organization of the book beneficial. Rather than a chronological reading that bounces back and forth between different policies, the reader is able to follow the entire arc of once particular subject through Bush’s terms in office. Bush uses this structure to slip in interesting anecdotes about an individual without disrupting the flow of the discussion too terribly. For example, in the chapter on stem cell research, Bush recounts his meeting with Pope John Paul, II to discuss the issue. Bush momentarily deviates from the main discussion to give his impression of the the Pope and to describe his funeral before returning to the subject at hand. Bush takes this approach several times in the book and seamlessly slips in minor details that help bring texture to the book without detracting from the greater narrative.
I guess this was to be expected, but the book was little more than an apologetic defense of his major policies as President. The majority of each chapter was a justification and defense of the policy in consideration. The book comes across as an attempt to set the tone and preemptively frame the debate over how his presidency will be remembered in history. On this basis, the book will not have much value as a history book. The book offers mostly opinion and very little in the way of factual information. The book may have value to historians as a first hand explanation of why Bush did many of the things he did, but they will have to look to other sources for accounts of what happened during his presidency.
Bush seems to attempt to address every criticism that came his way by either defending his position or providing information that he obviously feels was not properly presented to the public. For example, he addresses the infamous “mission accomplished” banner that was hanging on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln as he announced the end of major combat operations in Iraq. Bush asserts that he did not notice the banner when he stood up to speak. He further asserts that the banner was intended for the crew of the ship and was misconstrued by the media. He offers similar explanations for other “blunders” during his term such as the decision to fly over New Orleans in Air Force One rather than viewing the devastation in person.
One can understand why Bush would feel the need to address such criticisms. Bush is the first President whose entire term played out under the glare of a 24/7 news cycle broadcast instantaneously across the internet and other platforms. Due to the news networks’ need to fill airtime and the rise of blogs and other electronic publishing avenues, the American people have the ability to dissect and analyze every thing a President does while in office. After hearing them constantly repeated, one can understand why Bush felt the need to address some of these criticisms even though many of them were the product of a media with too much time on its hands.
The tone of the book is very defiant. Bush understands that many decisions he made in office were not popular in the public or on the national stage. Yet he is unafraid to state his case with conviction and explain why he did the things he did. He is also not afraid to take swipes at people and express his displeasure. It is apparent that he was not a big fan of Jacques Chirac of France. He also reveals his true opinion of Kathleen Blanco, Harry Reid and others. When discussing the events of his second term in which he had a much difficulty accomplishing his goals, he is not slow in laying the blame for policy failures at the feet of others such as when he discusses his inability to accomplish his desired reforms to Social Security.
I think the book was a good way to get inside Bush’s head to understand why he made the decisions that he made. But the book was missing something. It was clinical at times and had very little personal insight. There is some humor in the book, but the reader doesn’t really walk away understanding how the presidency affected Bush. The most insightful chapter in this respect was chapter 1 when Bush discusses his youth and his decision to give up drinking. Other than that chapter and fleeting moments in other chapters of the book, I didn’t feel transported into the oval office like I have with other books. In that respect, Bush left me wanting more and disappointed that I didn’t get it.
Overall, I enjoyed the book. While reading the section on dealings with North Korea, which take up about four pages of the book, I realized that this was a refreshing way to learn about America’s relationship with North Korea during the Bush years. These four pages gave a nice summary of what happened over 8 years away from the chatter and noise of the media and internet. This is true for many of the topics covered in the book. Of course, one has to understand that the viewpoint presented is biased to some extent. But it is still nice to pick up the book and get a relatively short summary of a particular topic.
I doubt the book will change very many minds about President Bush. With the exception of Chapter 11, which discussed health and aid initiatives in Africa, I felt pretty comfortable and familiar with the material discussed in the book. I did not have much awareness of the contents of Chapter 11 prior to read the book. Those who were opposed to the President’s policies will not find any new arguments and very little new information that will cause them to change their minds about President Bush. Those that supported him will find their beliefs affirmed.
I enjoyed the book due to my own interest in the subject matter. I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys politics and to anyone who is a fan of George W. Bush. If you are not one of said fans, stay away from the book unless you enjoy being angry and arguing with no one in particular.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book through Blogging for Books from WaterBrook Multnomah in exchange for reviewing this book. I was not paid and did not receive any other compensation for this review.
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Project 52 Update #3--Helping Hand
Is it really already Tuesday? I meant to post on Monday, but fell asleep.
This is the first update where I get to announce that I crossed an item off my list. Two actually. The reality is that both items kind of fell into my lap.
The first item to be crossed off the list this year was #26--buy a lawnmower. Shortly after posting my list of goals, a friend texted me to let me know that he had an extra lawnmower he would give me. I told him I wanted it and was able to pick it up on Saturday. Now I just need to put it to use this weekend. So this item is now off the list, but not really by any effort of mine. Of course, now I have an opportunity to work on #45, writing thank you notes.
The other item to be crossed off my list was #39--Fix the turn signal on my car. A few weeks ago, the battery in my car went bad and needed to be replaced. I needed to look at the manual for the car to get some information about the battery, so I got it out of the glove compartment. When I put the book back in the glove compartment, I noticed a package I hadn’t seen before. I pulled it out and it was a package with a small light bulb in it. One bulb was missing. I instantly guessed it was for the turn signal. The prior owner must have had to replace a bulb and left the extra in the car. On Sunday, I got the manual back out and figured out how to change the bulb and the signal now works. So, If I get a traffic ticket any time soon, at least it won’t be for malfunctioning lights.
So I’m glad to say that I’ve now crossed two items off my list. I’ve also learned another lesson this week. In reaching our goals, it is good to have a helping hand and the support of friends. These items were easily crossed off my list due to the actions of friends. This is true for so many goals in life. We may be able to accomplish them on our own, but it sure will be easier with someone’s help.
Even where our pride might dictate otherwise, we should always be on the lookout for and willing to accept the help of those who care for us.
This is the first update where I get to announce that I crossed an item off my list. Two actually. The reality is that both items kind of fell into my lap.
The first item to be crossed off the list this year was #26--buy a lawnmower. Shortly after posting my list of goals, a friend texted me to let me know that he had an extra lawnmower he would give me. I told him I wanted it and was able to pick it up on Saturday. Now I just need to put it to use this weekend. So this item is now off the list, but not really by any effort of mine. Of course, now I have an opportunity to work on #45, writing thank you notes.
The other item to be crossed off my list was #39--Fix the turn signal on my car. A few weeks ago, the battery in my car went bad and needed to be replaced. I needed to look at the manual for the car to get some information about the battery, so I got it out of the glove compartment. When I put the book back in the glove compartment, I noticed a package I hadn’t seen before. I pulled it out and it was a package with a small light bulb in it. One bulb was missing. I instantly guessed it was for the turn signal. The prior owner must have had to replace a bulb and left the extra in the car. On Sunday, I got the manual back out and figured out how to change the bulb and the signal now works. So, If I get a traffic ticket any time soon, at least it won’t be for malfunctioning lights.
So I’m glad to say that I’ve now crossed two items off my list. I’ve also learned another lesson this week. In reaching our goals, it is good to have a helping hand and the support of friends. These items were easily crossed off my list due to the actions of friends. This is true for so many goals in life. We may be able to accomplish them on our own, but it sure will be easier with someone’s help.
Even where our pride might dictate otherwise, we should always be on the lookout for and willing to accept the help of those who care for us.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Disengaged
Florida held an election yesterday. The Florida Republican Primary to be exact. I didn't participate. This marks quite a change for me.
I come from a family that likes to be politically involved. My grandfather and my father have both served in elective office. Participating in various campaigns was normal. And I loved it. I wanted to be involved in politics in some fashion.
But a few years ago, my attitude toward the political world changed.
I used to get very wrapped up in elections. I still remember election night 2000. It was the first election I participated in as an "adult." I was in my MBA program at the time, so I had class the night of the election. That was back in the dark ages before smart phones, lap tops and wireless classrooms. So every time the professor gave us a break, a bunch of us would huddle around the computer at the podium looking for election night updates.
By the time I left class that night, things were looking bad for George Bush. I went home and changed clothes so that Julie and I could head to an election night party with a bunch of Young Republicans. In the course of that night, we thought Al Gore was going to win and then we thought George Bush was going to win. When we finally went home, we had no idea who was going to win. And we wouldn't know for over a month. That was several weeks of angst about who was going to be the next President of the United States.
Fast forward eight years to another election filled with angst. As a recent law graduate, I was particularly concerned about the future of the Supreme Court. Despite being in office eight years, Bush was only able to appoint two justices to the Court. With the aging Court, it seemed that whoever was going to be elected would have the opportunity to shape the future of the Court, potentially for a generation. In less than four years, Obama has already been able to appoint to more justices to the Court. At the time, I was very worried about this fact.
Caleb was born in April of that year. That was my first election as a parent. So I felt as if his entire future hinged on who was elected president. I was very worried about the future and the country he would live in after I am gone.
During the course of that election, I listened to a lot of Glenn Beck as I drove to work in the mornings. I heard a great deal of rhetoric about the dangers of Barack Obama. If he was elected, the future of America was lost.
I spent a lot of time trying to convince people to vote for McCain. Actually, I spent a lot of time trying to justify Sarah Palin as Vice President. I had friends who planned on voting for Obama and I was shocked. I pleaded with them to reconsider because of the dangerous path their votes would put our country on. It was all very dramatic.
Well, election day came around and Julie and I went to vote together and we took Caleb with us. After voting, we went our separate ways to our jobs. I was on the internet constantly that day monitoring the elections and the reports of voter intimidation. And it all felt a little hopeless. I was again filled with angst over the outcome of the election and there was nothing left that I could do to affect the outcome.
Obama was declared the winner and yet I continued to watch the coverage. In shock. I watched Obama's victory speech and I was disgusted. I was disgusted with the images of Oprah and Jesse Jackson crying. I was disgusted with my friends who had voted for Obama. I was disgusted with myself for not doing more to prevent that outcome. And I felt sorrow for Caleb's sake. I felt as if I needed to apologize to him for what had happened.
In January, I was resolved to not let it happen again. I was going to get more involved in politics. I was going to rejoin the Young Republicans. I was going to read even more conservative literature. Whatever it took, I was going to do it to retake this country for the Republican party.
But then something else happened. I started reading more and more Christian blogs and as I did so, I was exposed to anabaptist writers who eschew political involvement. I began to take more seriously Christian writers, including a good friend, who were concerned that much of Christianity had allowed itself to become too intertwined with conservative politics. (To be fair, I thought then, and still do, that there is also a segment of Christianity that can't distinguish itself from liberal politics.) I saw it in my own church and I saw it in myself. There were people in my church, myself included, who couldn't process the thought of a Christian voting for Barack Obama, or any democrat. I realized it was true. It had become too easy to equate right wing ideology with Christian theology.
I soon realized people couldn't tell the difference with me. I was known amongst my friends, even those at church, as a staunch Republican. I wasn't seen as a Christian man, husband or father. I was seen as a political activist. And to a certain extent, I think some people avoided me because of it. But there were also people who sought me out because of it. I became acutely self-aware that I had an identity and it wasn't the identity I wanted.
So I decided I didn't want to play the game any more. I would no longer allow myself to be known by a label that does not have eternal significance. I stopped talking about politics. I scrubbed as much political content from my Facebook account as I could find. And I stopped paying attention. I decided it wasn't for me anymore.
And that brings me to yesterday. This is it. This is the opportunity to bring Obama's administration to an end. For quite some time now, a number of people have been jockeying to be the one to knock off Obama. And I have tried to stay away from it. I don't want to be a part of this time. So I stayed away and I plan on staying away in November.
I want my identity to be about Christ.
I still have certain beliefs. I still subscribe to certain philosophies about government that could only be described as conservative and it would be my preference to limit Obama to one term. I may even choose to engage in the process again someday. But for now, I am staying away.
This is a personal decision. My current understanding of faith requires this of me. But I don't expect everyone else to come to the same conclusions as me. I don't expect anyone to take the same actions as me, so I hope no one reading this finds this judgmental. This is simply my explanation for why I didn't vote yesterday.
I come from a family that likes to be politically involved. My grandfather and my father have both served in elective office. Participating in various campaigns was normal. And I loved it. I wanted to be involved in politics in some fashion.
But a few years ago, my attitude toward the political world changed.
I used to get very wrapped up in elections. I still remember election night 2000. It was the first election I participated in as an "adult." I was in my MBA program at the time, so I had class the night of the election. That was back in the dark ages before smart phones, lap tops and wireless classrooms. So every time the professor gave us a break, a bunch of us would huddle around the computer at the podium looking for election night updates.
By the time I left class that night, things were looking bad for George Bush. I went home and changed clothes so that Julie and I could head to an election night party with a bunch of Young Republicans. In the course of that night, we thought Al Gore was going to win and then we thought George Bush was going to win. When we finally went home, we had no idea who was going to win. And we wouldn't know for over a month. That was several weeks of angst about who was going to be the next President of the United States.
Fast forward eight years to another election filled with angst. As a recent law graduate, I was particularly concerned about the future of the Supreme Court. Despite being in office eight years, Bush was only able to appoint two justices to the Court. With the aging Court, it seemed that whoever was going to be elected would have the opportunity to shape the future of the Court, potentially for a generation. In less than four years, Obama has already been able to appoint to more justices to the Court. At the time, I was very worried about this fact.
Caleb was born in April of that year. That was my first election as a parent. So I felt as if his entire future hinged on who was elected president. I was very worried about the future and the country he would live in after I am gone.
During the course of that election, I listened to a lot of Glenn Beck as I drove to work in the mornings. I heard a great deal of rhetoric about the dangers of Barack Obama. If he was elected, the future of America was lost.
I spent a lot of time trying to convince people to vote for McCain. Actually, I spent a lot of time trying to justify Sarah Palin as Vice President. I had friends who planned on voting for Obama and I was shocked. I pleaded with them to reconsider because of the dangerous path their votes would put our country on. It was all very dramatic.
Well, election day came around and Julie and I went to vote together and we took Caleb with us. After voting, we went our separate ways to our jobs. I was on the internet constantly that day monitoring the elections and the reports of voter intimidation. And it all felt a little hopeless. I was again filled with angst over the outcome of the election and there was nothing left that I could do to affect the outcome.
Obama was declared the winner and yet I continued to watch the coverage. In shock. I watched Obama's victory speech and I was disgusted. I was disgusted with the images of Oprah and Jesse Jackson crying. I was disgusted with my friends who had voted for Obama. I was disgusted with myself for not doing more to prevent that outcome. And I felt sorrow for Caleb's sake. I felt as if I needed to apologize to him for what had happened.
In January, I was resolved to not let it happen again. I was going to get more involved in politics. I was going to rejoin the Young Republicans. I was going to read even more conservative literature. Whatever it took, I was going to do it to retake this country for the Republican party.
But then something else happened. I started reading more and more Christian blogs and as I did so, I was exposed to anabaptist writers who eschew political involvement. I began to take more seriously Christian writers, including a good friend, who were concerned that much of Christianity had allowed itself to become too intertwined with conservative politics. (To be fair, I thought then, and still do, that there is also a segment of Christianity that can't distinguish itself from liberal politics.) I saw it in my own church and I saw it in myself. There were people in my church, myself included, who couldn't process the thought of a Christian voting for Barack Obama, or any democrat. I realized it was true. It had become too easy to equate right wing ideology with Christian theology.
I soon realized people couldn't tell the difference with me. I was known amongst my friends, even those at church, as a staunch Republican. I wasn't seen as a Christian man, husband or father. I was seen as a political activist. And to a certain extent, I think some people avoided me because of it. But there were also people who sought me out because of it. I became acutely self-aware that I had an identity and it wasn't the identity I wanted.
So I decided I didn't want to play the game any more. I would no longer allow myself to be known by a label that does not have eternal significance. I stopped talking about politics. I scrubbed as much political content from my Facebook account as I could find. And I stopped paying attention. I decided it wasn't for me anymore.
And that brings me to yesterday. This is it. This is the opportunity to bring Obama's administration to an end. For quite some time now, a number of people have been jockeying to be the one to knock off Obama. And I have tried to stay away from it. I don't want to be a part of this time. So I stayed away and I plan on staying away in November.
I want my identity to be about Christ.
I still have certain beliefs. I still subscribe to certain philosophies about government that could only be described as conservative and it would be my preference to limit Obama to one term. I may even choose to engage in the process again someday. But for now, I am staying away.
This is a personal decision. My current understanding of faith requires this of me. But I don't expect everyone else to come to the same conclusions as me. I don't expect anyone to take the same actions as me, so I hope no one reading this finds this judgmental. This is simply my explanation for why I didn't vote yesterday.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Project 52 Update #2 -- Baseline
I slept really hard last night. I woke up with stiff legs this morning. And now I have a baseline.
Yesterday, I completed my fifth half-marathon at the ING Miami Marathon and Half-Marathon. I finished the race in 3:30:47. Now I know just how far I have to go in order to finish a half in under three hours so that I can cross item number 1 off my list.
I don't feel bad about my time. I didn't train for the race. It was a little warm. I've heard and seen people talk about how hard yesterday's race was. I've heard people talk about how they feel today. Yesterday was probably the best I've felt after any race I've done. So there is improvement there.
But in order to achieve this goal, I am going to have to cut nearly 31 minutes off my time. I have to lower my pace by nearly two and a half minutes. This is going to require some discipline and some work. In my previous races, my times have ranged from 3:18 to 3:32.
So far, I have trained and participated in these races as a race walker. In order to accomplish this goal, I am going to have to be more of a runner. I have a lifelong aversion to running. This is going to be quite the challenge.
My target race for completing this goal will be the Walt Disney World Wine and Dine Half Marathon which will take place the weekend of November 9th and 10th. That means I will need to start my serious training around the beginning of June. However, to get in running shape, I'm going to try to start running on a regular basis before then.
However, that date presents a bit of a problem for me. My original plan was to go for the time at the Wine and Dine and leave myself a backup plan in case it didn't work out at that race. However, as I looked into it this weekend, I was thrown for a loop by Disney.
The Wine and Dine is a fairly new race started by Disney back in 2010. I have run the race the last two years when it was held on the first weekend of October. I was expecting them to follow form and hold the race the first weekend of October this year. That left a couple of races even later in the year as backups. There is a Halloween themed race on Miami Beach on October 27 and there is a race in Fort Lauderdale on November 11 that is part of the 13.1 series of races.
Much to my surprise, when I check the Run Disney website, I realized that they are planning on having the race later this year. With Disney moving the Wine and Dine back to November, I'm not sure I'll have a backup race. Fort Lauderdale is now out. I could still do the Halloween race, but I would hate to have an injury or not have enough time to recover physically before the Wine and Dine. I'll need to do more research to find out if there are any races in the area in late November or December that I can count on as backups.
So the lesson this week is adaptability. The Wine and Dine may be my only shot. That means I can't afford to slack off on my training. Maybe knowing that there is no backup plan will help keep me disciplined.
Only time will tell.
I haven't really made any progress yet on the rest of the list. But I now have a target date for item 1.
Yesterday, I completed my fifth half-marathon at the ING Miami Marathon and Half-Marathon. I finished the race in 3:30:47. Now I know just how far I have to go in order to finish a half in under three hours so that I can cross item number 1 off my list.
I don't feel bad about my time. I didn't train for the race. It was a little warm. I've heard and seen people talk about how hard yesterday's race was. I've heard people talk about how they feel today. Yesterday was probably the best I've felt after any race I've done. So there is improvement there.
But in order to achieve this goal, I am going to have to cut nearly 31 minutes off my time. I have to lower my pace by nearly two and a half minutes. This is going to require some discipline and some work. In my previous races, my times have ranged from 3:18 to 3:32.
So far, I have trained and participated in these races as a race walker. In order to accomplish this goal, I am going to have to be more of a runner. I have a lifelong aversion to running. This is going to be quite the challenge.
My target race for completing this goal will be the Walt Disney World Wine and Dine Half Marathon which will take place the weekend of November 9th and 10th. That means I will need to start my serious training around the beginning of June. However, to get in running shape, I'm going to try to start running on a regular basis before then.
However, that date presents a bit of a problem for me. My original plan was to go for the time at the Wine and Dine and leave myself a backup plan in case it didn't work out at that race. However, as I looked into it this weekend, I was thrown for a loop by Disney.
The Wine and Dine is a fairly new race started by Disney back in 2010. I have run the race the last two years when it was held on the first weekend of October. I was expecting them to follow form and hold the race the first weekend of October this year. That left a couple of races even later in the year as backups. There is a Halloween themed race on Miami Beach on October 27 and there is a race in Fort Lauderdale on November 11 that is part of the 13.1 series of races.
Much to my surprise, when I check the Run Disney website, I realized that they are planning on having the race later this year. With Disney moving the Wine and Dine back to November, I'm not sure I'll have a backup race. Fort Lauderdale is now out. I could still do the Halloween race, but I would hate to have an injury or not have enough time to recover physically before the Wine and Dine. I'll need to do more research to find out if there are any races in the area in late November or December that I can count on as backups.
So the lesson this week is adaptability. The Wine and Dine may be my only shot. That means I can't afford to slack off on my training. Maybe knowing that there is no backup plan will help keep me disciplined.
Only time will tell.
I haven't really made any progress yet on the rest of the list. But I now have a target date for item 1.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Project 52 Update #1
So, it's Wednesday. Getting in the habit of posting on a schedule will be difficult, but part of this process is developing new habits, so it will be good for me to work on this.
I didn't do much on the list this week. My big accomplishment on the list was to reorganize the list to help me manage the goals better. I broke my goals down into three categories: One Time Events, Events Requiring Time and Planning, and On-Going Periodic Events.
The first category is pretty self-explanatory. These are projects that I can decide on a Friday evening that I want to work on them and complete it by the end of the weekend. I was mainly motivated to reorganize the list by these projects. I didn't want half the year roll by and then have to break my neck over the last few months to get a lot of projects done. Based on my classification, I have 22 goals that fall in this category. This means I need to do one of these projects approximately every two weeks.
The second category is for projects that will require some advance planning or a serious time commitment. These are generally projects that do not lend themselves to completion on one day or weekend. These projects will require a little planning, a little research and diligence in knocking out little pieces and completing the projects in small pieces. I need to approach these projects the same way you approach eating an elephant: one bite at a time. In a nice bit of symmetry, there are also 22 projects in this category.
The final category is focused on projects where I've committed myself to doing something daily, weekly, or monthly. These projects are generally about habit formation. I may not do a particular thing everyday, but If I have formed the habits by the end of the year, then I will consider myself successful and cross them off the list at the end of the year. Basic math will tell you there are 8 projects in this list.
All in all, I think this is a good breakdown. I have a number of habits I want to develop. I have a number or projects that need to be done to improve or simplify my life. And I have a number of projects that are mostly just about enjoying life and having new experiences.
I have had a good response to my list of projects. I have received some encouraging words and I've already received some offers from people to help me with a few of the projects. So I think this whole thing has gotten off to a good start.
Hopefully, I will have some items to cross off the list by next week.
I didn't do much on the list this week. My big accomplishment on the list was to reorganize the list to help me manage the goals better. I broke my goals down into three categories: One Time Events, Events Requiring Time and Planning, and On-Going Periodic Events.
The first category is pretty self-explanatory. These are projects that I can decide on a Friday evening that I want to work on them and complete it by the end of the weekend. I was mainly motivated to reorganize the list by these projects. I didn't want half the year roll by and then have to break my neck over the last few months to get a lot of projects done. Based on my classification, I have 22 goals that fall in this category. This means I need to do one of these projects approximately every two weeks.
The second category is for projects that will require some advance planning or a serious time commitment. These are generally projects that do not lend themselves to completion on one day or weekend. These projects will require a little planning, a little research and diligence in knocking out little pieces and completing the projects in small pieces. I need to approach these projects the same way you approach eating an elephant: one bite at a time. In a nice bit of symmetry, there are also 22 projects in this category.
The final category is focused on projects where I've committed myself to doing something daily, weekly, or monthly. These projects are generally about habit formation. I may not do a particular thing everyday, but If I have formed the habits by the end of the year, then I will consider myself successful and cross them off the list at the end of the year. Basic math will tell you there are 8 projects in this list.
All in all, I think this is a good breakdown. I have a number of habits I want to develop. I have a number or projects that need to be done to improve or simplify my life. And I have a number of projects that are mostly just about enjoying life and having new experiences.
I have had a good response to my list of projects. I have received some encouraging words and I've already received some offers from people to help me with a few of the projects. So I think this whole thing has gotten off to a good start.
Hopefully, I will have some items to cross off the list by next week.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Conflicted Emotions--One Year Later
When I went to post yesterday's post, I realized that today was exactly one year since my last post. In the post a year ago, I shared some emotions I was experiencing about the birth of Jacob and the effect it was going to have on my relationship with Caleb.
On the morning of January 17th, 2011, Julie was induced into labor. After struggling with labor all day, Julie was exhausted and had fallen asleep late in the evening. As I sat in the quiet of the hospital room while Julie dozed, I was overcome by the emotions that I had been feeling for quite some time. I felt the need to write about my emotions and try to make some sense of what I was feeling, so I tapped out that post on my phone while Julie slept.
After I wrote the post, Julie drifted in and out of sleep through the night as contractions came and went and Jacob was finally delivered just before noon on January 18th.
As I look back over that post and reflect on the past year, I am happy to report that everything has turned out great! The things I was worried about have not even come close to passing.
Caleb and I still have a very special relationship. In fact, he experienced some jealousy early on after we brought Jacob home and he expressed his jealously by clinging even tighter to me than he had before. We still do all the things we did together then and we still have basically the same routine. Julie's schedule takes her out of the house before Caleb is awake, so I'm still responsible for waking him and getting him ready for school. I still give him his bath and I still read to him at bedtime. We haven't lost anything that I feared losing and we are as close as we always have been.
Even better, Caleb and Jacob adore each other. Caleb has tremendous concern for his brother. He wants to help feed him and do other things for him. He is truly concerned with Jacob's well being. As for Jacob, he has been fascinated with his big brother from very early on. Now that he can crawl, he tries to follow Caleb all over the house. He can't quite keep up yet, but soon he will.
Of course, we are starting to see some sibling rivalry as Jacob is starting to show an interest in Caleb's toys. But I know deep down that Caleb loves his brother deeply. He is going to be a tremendous big brother as I predicted a year ago.
I still feel some inadequacy as a father. I worry that I am not savoring these days and that they are slipping away too quickly. I worry that we don't take advantage of these days while we have them. I know Julie shares this fear with me and I imagine it is a common fear. But we do the best we can.
I still go in their room at night and watch them sleep. It gives me such peace to look at one and then the other. No matter how my day goes, those few minutes of quiet in their room push aside any negativity and magnify anything that is positive.
I love both boys deeply. They are my sons and I am so proud of them. I pray for and look forward to many days and years ahead with them and I look forward to seeing the men they will grow to be.
One year ago tonight, I was full of angst. Tonight, that angst is replaced by a sense of comfort and hope.
On the morning of January 17th, 2011, Julie was induced into labor. After struggling with labor all day, Julie was exhausted and had fallen asleep late in the evening. As I sat in the quiet of the hospital room while Julie dozed, I was overcome by the emotions that I had been feeling for quite some time. I felt the need to write about my emotions and try to make some sense of what I was feeling, so I tapped out that post on my phone while Julie slept.
After I wrote the post, Julie drifted in and out of sleep through the night as contractions came and went and Jacob was finally delivered just before noon on January 18th.
As I look back over that post and reflect on the past year, I am happy to report that everything has turned out great! The things I was worried about have not even come close to passing.
Caleb and I still have a very special relationship. In fact, he experienced some jealousy early on after we brought Jacob home and he expressed his jealously by clinging even tighter to me than he had before. We still do all the things we did together then and we still have basically the same routine. Julie's schedule takes her out of the house before Caleb is awake, so I'm still responsible for waking him and getting him ready for school. I still give him his bath and I still read to him at bedtime. We haven't lost anything that I feared losing and we are as close as we always have been.
Even better, Caleb and Jacob adore each other. Caleb has tremendous concern for his brother. He wants to help feed him and do other things for him. He is truly concerned with Jacob's well being. As for Jacob, he has been fascinated with his big brother from very early on. Now that he can crawl, he tries to follow Caleb all over the house. He can't quite keep up yet, but soon he will.
Of course, we are starting to see some sibling rivalry as Jacob is starting to show an interest in Caleb's toys. But I know deep down that Caleb loves his brother deeply. He is going to be a tremendous big brother as I predicted a year ago.
I still feel some inadequacy as a father. I worry that I am not savoring these days and that they are slipping away too quickly. I worry that we don't take advantage of these days while we have them. I know Julie shares this fear with me and I imagine it is a common fear. But we do the best we can.
I still go in their room at night and watch them sleep. It gives me such peace to look at one and then the other. No matter how my day goes, those few minutes of quiet in their room push aside any negativity and magnify anything that is positive.
I love both boys deeply. They are my sons and I am so proud of them. I pray for and look forward to many days and years ahead with them and I look forward to seeing the men they will grow to be.
One year ago tonight, I was full of angst. Tonight, that angst is replaced by a sense of comfort and hope.
52 Week (50?) Challenge
I hope you are settling into the new year. We traveled for Christmas and returned home the day before New Year's Eve. We had a birthday party this past weekend for Jacob and Julie's parents came to town. We spent the last couple of weeks thinking about and planning for the party, so we've stayed busy well into the new year. Julie's mom flew home tonight and Julie's dad is leaving in the morning, so we will just now get the opportunity to settle down and get back into our normal routine.
The new year is a fascinating even to me. Turning the calendar from December to January is an arbitrary time to change the year. We have a first day of the month 12 times a year and we have a first day of the week 52 or 53 times a year. But people place so much emphasis on January 1 as a time of introspection and a chance to make changes and resolutions. To me, January 1 is just another day. The biggest significance for me is the chance to watch some good football games all day.
I've never been much of a resolution maker. I like to joke that I resolve not to make any resolutions. That way, I've broken the resolution before the clock is even reaches the 12th ring and I can get the failure out of the way and move on.
Having said that, I wanted to get this year off to a different start. For the past year, I've been reading about Project 52 on my friend Jennee's blog. Project 52 is an approach to goal making that focuses on self-improvement and personal enjoyment of life rather than the absolutism of resolutions that are viewed through a failure/success prism. As I see it, the idea is to come up with a mixture of goals for the year. Some of the goals are whimsical. Some goals will take more work than others. But overall, the ideas is to set some goals for yourself and then focus on working on achieving the goals over the course of the year. As Jennee explains it, you work make a concrete effort to take steps toward accomplishing a goal each week and as time goes by, you'll slowly begin to cross your goals off your list.
I think goal-setting is far superior to making resolutions. To me, the idea behind resolutions is negative. Find the bad things in your life and change them absolutely beginning on January 1. If you break the resolution, you have failed. I think goal-setting is a much better mindset. You can still focus on self-improvement, but there is not the overwhelming pressure not to fail. Goals are more about the steps you take to achieve the goal. Rather than focusing on your negative qualities or habits and simply changing on the spot, goal setting requires planning, effort and patience as you work to change the goals. I think success will come much easier and be sweeter with this mindset.
Finally, Project 52 is about accountability. This comes in two forms. First, I am joining a community of bloggers who are participating in this project. There is strength in numbers and being a part of this group of bloggers provides encouragement as you read about other people's projects and the steps they are taking to work on their list. Second, by publicly declaring my goals in this forum, I am implicitly giving the reader permission to hold my feet to the fire. By publicly stating my goals, and failures on my part will also be public because you can ask me how I'm doing any time. It's scary to think that you will have to face someone when you haven't followed through with what you said you would do. Although the primary motivation for following through on these goals is personal, that fear of public failure adds a secondary motivation.
I'm posting this and getting started a little late. I committed myself to participating this year and started developing a list some time last year. But I stalled out and had a hard time coming up with 52 projects. But I finished my list a few days ago and then I shared my goals with Julie prior to posting them here. Now I'm ready to share my goals with all (ha ha) of my readers. I will post about my progress every Monday which is part of the Project 52 protocol. Feel free to ask me how I'm doing on my goals.
Without further adieu, here are my goals for 2012 along with some commentary:
The new year is a fascinating even to me. Turning the calendar from December to January is an arbitrary time to change the year. We have a first day of the month 12 times a year and we have a first day of the week 52 or 53 times a year. But people place so much emphasis on January 1 as a time of introspection and a chance to make changes and resolutions. To me, January 1 is just another day. The biggest significance for me is the chance to watch some good football games all day.
I've never been much of a resolution maker. I like to joke that I resolve not to make any resolutions. That way, I've broken the resolution before the clock is even reaches the 12th ring and I can get the failure out of the way and move on.
Having said that, I wanted to get this year off to a different start. For the past year, I've been reading about Project 52 on my friend Jennee's blog. Project 52 is an approach to goal making that focuses on self-improvement and personal enjoyment of life rather than the absolutism of resolutions that are viewed through a failure/success prism. As I see it, the idea is to come up with a mixture of goals for the year. Some of the goals are whimsical. Some goals will take more work than others. But overall, the ideas is to set some goals for yourself and then focus on working on achieving the goals over the course of the year. As Jennee explains it, you work make a concrete effort to take steps toward accomplishing a goal each week and as time goes by, you'll slowly begin to cross your goals off your list.
I think goal-setting is far superior to making resolutions. To me, the idea behind resolutions is negative. Find the bad things in your life and change them absolutely beginning on January 1. If you break the resolution, you have failed. I think goal-setting is a much better mindset. You can still focus on self-improvement, but there is not the overwhelming pressure not to fail. Goals are more about the steps you take to achieve the goal. Rather than focusing on your negative qualities or habits and simply changing on the spot, goal setting requires planning, effort and patience as you work to change the goals. I think success will come much easier and be sweeter with this mindset.
Finally, Project 52 is about accountability. This comes in two forms. First, I am joining a community of bloggers who are participating in this project. There is strength in numbers and being a part of this group of bloggers provides encouragement as you read about other people's projects and the steps they are taking to work on their list. Second, by publicly declaring my goals in this forum, I am implicitly giving the reader permission to hold my feet to the fire. By publicly stating my goals, and failures on my part will also be public because you can ask me how I'm doing any time. It's scary to think that you will have to face someone when you haven't followed through with what you said you would do. Although the primary motivation for following through on these goals is personal, that fear of public failure adds a secondary motivation.
I'm posting this and getting started a little late. I committed myself to participating this year and started developing a list some time last year. But I stalled out and had a hard time coming up with 52 projects. But I finished my list a few days ago and then I shared my goals with Julie prior to posting them here. Now I'm ready to share my goals with all (ha ha) of my readers. I will post about my progress every Monday which is part of the Project 52 protocol. Feel free to ask me how I'm doing on my goals.
Without further adieu, here are my goals for 2012 along with some commentary:
- Finish a half-marathon in under 3 hours--I started participating in endurance events with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training program a few years ago. I enjoyed it so much that I wanted to stick with it. Now I want to work on improving my performance in these events. This is one of several similar goals that I have set for this year. Rather than setting an arbitrary goal weight, working on these goals will have the secondary benefit of improving my health, fitness and physical appearance.
- Complete a triathlon--This goal is about gaining new skills and to keep challenging myself in new ways.
- Complete a full century ride--This past Spring, I trained with TNT for America's Most Beautiful Bike Ride. This is a bike ride through the mountains around Lake Tahoe. A century ride is a 100 mile bike ride. Since we trained in South Florida where the interstate overpasses are our biggest hills, this was difficult, challenging ride. Our team completed the 72 mile loop around the lake, be we were not able to complete the full 100 mile ride. Even though our coaches told us the 72 miles in the mountains was as challenging as a flat century ride and even though we completed a metric century (100 KM), I was left with a sense of dissatisfaction. I won't be completely satisfied until I bike a full 100 miles, so that is another of my goals this year.
- Swim with the dolphins--This is something that I have wanted to do since we moved to Miami. I intend to make it happen this year.
- Read 5 presidential biographies (Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe)--I recently set a goal for myself to read one biography of every U.S. President from Washington to Obama. I decided to incorporate this into the project by setting a goal of getting through the first five presidents this year. This is really a multi-year goal. At the rate of five bios a year, there could be one or two presidents added to the list by the time I complete the goal depending on how the next couple of presidential elections go.
- Read the bible in year (daily reading)--This goal is about the discipline of daily bible reading. I've read the entire bible through several times. This goal is about developing a daily time of reading as a lifelong habit.
- Take a weekend trip with Julie--Pretty self-explanatory. Looking forward to getting away without the boys once Jacob is weaned and can stay with someone.
- Pray with Julie every day--I have to admit, I started working on this before the New Year. I was challenged by several people to do this. I made it a part of my list before we started doing this together, but I decided not to wait until New Year to start (see about about my thoughts on the arbitrary nature of New Year's Day). Like number 6, this goal is about the habit it will develop and the lifestyle change it will bring about.
- Read 25 total books--I love to read but don't make enough time to do it. My father is a voracious reader and I was when I was younger. I want to get back to that. One aspect of this goal is to read broadly across a wide spectrum of genres. Reading broadly is the best way to develop your mind and stay sharp. This equates to about 2 books per month. That doesn't seem too bad, but some books will be heavier than others meaning I'll have to do more than two books a month in some months.
- Build a model airplane--My brother did some models when I was younger. I only had one model that I built and it was the kind where you snap it together. I want to do a real model where you have to glue the pieces together and then paint it yourself. You know what they say. Boys don't grow up...just our toys.
- Repaint/Remodel Master Bedroom--Our bedroom is disorganized and in need of renovation. There are still nail holes in the wall from the prior owner. There are spots where we patched holes but we never sanded down the spackle and painted over it. There is even one spot where the paint doesn't match because I got ambitious one weekend while Julie was out of town. I thought I would resolve those problems so I got out all the paint. I thought I had found the paint from our room (painted by the prior owners who left numerous unmarked paint cans of various shades and colors). I did a test stripe in the corner and lo and behold, it was the wrong color. That spot constantly mocks me. I intend to rectify that.
- Read a book of poetry--This will support #9. I made it a separate goal because I am unlikely to intentionally choose to read poetry unless I force myself to do it.
- Take Caleb to a UM baseball game--Caleb loves baseball. UM baseball season rolls around in February. Every year I think I'm going to go to a few games. Before you know it, it's May and the season is practically over. Caleb has been asking to go watch UM play baseball for a couple of months now. I'm going to make it happen this season.
- Go to a concert--It's been a while since I've been to a concert. Time to change that.
- Take Julie to eat at Joe’s Stone Crab--I've had the privilege of eating at this South Florida landmark two times on someone else's dime. It's time for Julie to see what all the fuss is about.
- Go to a play/Broadway show--See #14. I need more culture in my life.
- Take Caleb on an airboat ride--Airboat rides are kitschy, classic South Florida attractions. We take all of our out of town guests to do this. Caleb has been when he was a tiny baby. It's time to go back now that he will know what is going on.
- Go to Harry Potter at Universal Studios--We are big Harry Potter fans. We love the books and movies. It's hard to believe we live three hours away and we have yet to have a butterbeer.
- Pull down ivy and repaint side of the house--One side of our house was covered with ivy when we moved in. I started to pull it down and it down and discovered it is going to do a number on the paint job. This is going to be a very involved project that needs to be done.
- Travel to New Mexico and attend a Centennial event--New Mexico is my home state and is celebrating its centennial this year. We try to make it to NM every year at least once. I want to be able to participate in this once in a lifetime celebration while we are there.
- Learn how to use the car radio--I got a new car back in May and, sad as it is, I still have not figured out how to set my own favorite stations. Time to get out the instruction manual.
- Install solar lights in front yard--A few years ago, we received some decorative outdoor garden lights as a gift. They are still in the box. 'Nuff said.
- Organize digital photos--We have numerous photo cards with numerous pictures of our boys on them. We have an iMac with lots of storage capacity and a wonderful photo program. Time to bring the two together.
- Memorize Twas the Night Before Christmas--One of Julie's family traditions growing up was to read this story on Christmas Eve. We have kind of adopted it and we have a small collection of different versions of the story. Caleb found one of them and he and I read it numerous times at bed time over the last year. I know most of it by now...might as well go the rest of the way. (This book will not count toward #9.)
- Discard two crates of magazines--You're going to see that a number of these goals are focused on organizing and decluttering my life and space. There was a time when I impulsively subscribed to several magazines. Many of these magazines site in a closet in milk crates unread because I have some hoarding tendencies. I intend to go through some of these magazines and eliminate them from my house.
- Buy a lawnmower--Right now I rely on a weed eater because my yard is small. I have had problems with the weed eater lately, so the last few times the yard has been cut by a friend that I paid. Fortunately, the grass does not grow very fast right now. This will change soon. This will likely be one of the first goals crossed of the list do to its urgency. Not a glamorous goal...but necessary.
- Blog once a week--Well....I'm already behind on this one...but it's my list and my blog, so I'll pretend it didn't happen. But since these goals are aspirational and about making changes going forward, I commit to this from this point forward. It's about the habit and will-power to do it.
- Attend Attorney Trust Officer Liaison Conference--This is a valuable CLE resource in my practice area and I didn't make it last year. Now that I am on my own, it will be more expensive for me to attend, but it is the best way I've found to stay on top of current trends. Plus, I figured I needed a least one or two professional goals.
- Organize print photos--More organization. We have a box full of photos that need to be put in albums or frames.
- Digitize filing system/go paperless--I've begun scanning most of our files into a digital filing system. One part of this goal is to get rid of as much paper by the end of the year as possible. The other part of this goal is to get the proper backup system in place.
- Have dinner guests in our home once a month--I want to be more hospitable. By making this a goal, now I have to follow through. This goal goes hand in hand with my desire to declutter.
- Go to a wine tasting--Something we used to do before kids. I want to do it again.
- Go on a picnic--See #32.
- Learn how to shoot a gun and go hunting--I've always had a desire to hunt. Why not this year?
- Go fishing--See #34. So many opportunities in South Florida. Must take advantage of them.
- Watch a rocket launch at Kennedy Space Center--When we moved to South Florida, I said I wanted to go see a Space Shuttle launch. We procrastinated. NASA announced the end of the Shuttle program. I looked into it. Tickets were in such demand, they were having lotteries for the tickets. We had the chance to go to the next to last launch. For reasons I won't discuss here, we didn't go. Big regret now. I hear other rocket launches are pretty impressive. This moved up high on the priority list because of my regret over the shuttle.
- Have my teeth cleaned--It's been too long.
- Make a homemade romantic dinner--I like to cook. I don't do it often enough.
- Fix the turn signal on my car--My car recently indicated one of the turn signals is out. I need to do this before I get a ticket.
- Engage in a fast--This is a spiritual discipline that my faith tradition has encouraged or talked about much. I want to learn more about it.
- Copy and send family records to family--I have a family bible in which I found notes written by my great grandmother. I intend to type them up, scan the notes and distribute them to my family.
- Organize and update financial records--Another organizational task to work on.
- Go horseback riding--I haven't been on a horse in years. Julie loves horses. I think this will be a great date opportunity.
- File taxes by the end of February--I procrastinate. I've requested an extension our taxes the last two years and then filed at the last minute. This usually causes problems because I can't find a piece of paper. I've imposed a deadline this year to get it done.
- Write a thank you note for every gift received this year--Handwritten notes are becoming a lost art, particularly thank you notes. I intend to show my gratitude this year in this personal way.
- Find/Recruit a ministry replacement--I have several ministries in which I work in my congregation. Our elders are pushing us to involve more people. I'd like to find someone to take over one of my ministry areas.
- Copy the key to my car--This is another silly goal. My car only came with one key. Julie has said she feels strange not having her own key to my car. This should be easy to take care of...but I have done it yet.
- Take a pro bono client--The Florida Bar requires supporting pro bono work either by actually doing the work or making a donation to an organization that provides pro bono services. I've fulfilled the requirement with donations so far in my career. This year, I want to actually work with a client in need.
- Work with a bar committee--Another professional development goal. The purpose is to get to know people in my field and hopefully generate some business.
- Organize the closet in the second bedroom--Cluttered and messy. Definitely in need of some organization.
- & 52. These last two goals are intensely personal goals that are not appropriate to share here. I know this seems to violate the accountability part of this project. I assure you the people involved have been made aware of these two goals and will have the opportunity to hold me to account. I'll let you know when I work on them or cross them off.
There you have it. My goals for this year. Some are one time events. Some will require some work and time to complete. And some will require weekly and daily diligence and I won't be able to cross them off the list until the year is done. If you know me well, you will know these are some ambitious goals. I look forward to working on them.
Wish me luck and good luck with your own goals this year.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Conflicted Emotions
Sometime in the next 24 hours, my second son will be born. I have to admit I have mixed feelings about this.
Don't get me wrong; I'm vey excited to meet him and welcome him home. But I'm also disappointed to lose the life we have now.
The last few years since Caleb was born have been more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I never dreamed having a little boy would be so much fun and bring me so much joy. I can't begin to describe how I feel about our little family.
When we first started to discuss having another baby and then started trying, I was completely on board. But when Julie first told me she was pregnant, my first thought was, "wait, I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to give up the life we have with Caleb." After a couple of weeks, I was able to come to grips with the idea of a second baby and started getting excited. In the back of my mind, however, there was a sense of urgency to make sure we made these last few months special for Caleb.
As time went on, we did lots of different things with Caleb and the reality of the pregnancy settled in. I grew more and more excited as we talked about baby names and other decisions we were making.
In the last few weeks, as the due date has approached, I've felt some some of the initial doubts and second-guesses enter back into my mind. I know in my heart that as soon as I see the new baby and hold him for the first time, I will love him more than life itself. But I just can't shake the feeling that while we are gaining another son, we are losing something in the process.
As I've tried to process these feelings, I've tried to come up with a word to describe what I'm feeling. Is it doubt? Fear? Regret? It finally occurred to me that I am feeling remorse. I am mourning the closing of a chapter of our lives that we will never have back. Barring some sort of tragedy, this time in our lives with Caleb will be nothing more than a memory as a new chapter unfolds.
When I put it in these terms, I realize it's OK to feel this way. Whenever I've had these feelings, I've felt guilty for having them. Frankly, they've scared me. Now that I understand these feelings, I embrace them because I'm not wishing that the next chapter wouldn't come; I'm just having a hard time leaving the old chapter behind.
I think part of what drives the feelings of remorse is a sense of inadequacy. I worry that I haven't given him what he deserves or that we haven't made the most of the time we've had. I worry that I don't have a chance to fix any mistakes I've made.
As part of this mourning process, I've been cherishing our various "last moments" together. I gave him his last bath last night and we said our last prayer together. I gave him breakfast for the last time this morning. I've been sadly aware the last few days that I will no longer do these things for just him. From now on, my attention will be divided and that breaks my heart for him.
It was really important to me to make Christmas special for him. I made sure I was able to put lights on our house for the first time this year because he asked for them. He helped decorate the Christmas tree. We had friends over on Christmas Eve. I knew that it was our last chance to do some something special for just him.
I had an especially poignant "last moment" Saturday night. Julie's been in the hospital for a few days, so Caleb and I have been home alone. Since he was born, it has been my habit to go in his room each night and check on him. Early on, as a new father, I was checking to make sure he was breathing. As I grew more comfortable with him and knew that he was fine, I continued to go into his room because I couldn't get enough of him. Now it's just a habit I can't give up.
On Saturday night, as I went into his room, it dawned on me that I would no longer be visiting his room just to see him. I sat down next to his bed so I could just savor those few remaining precious moments and watch him sleep. He was so calm and peaceful. As I left his room, I realized there are no more words to write in that chapter. A new chapter is beginning and I can't wait to see what it holds.
I dropped him off with the baby sitter this morning and I won't see him again until he's a big brother and our whole world has changed. The next time we see each other, I'll be introducing him to his little brother. He's going to be fantastic. He's so excited to see his little brother, the baby sitter told me that Caleb wanted to buy his baby brother pacifiers today. Caleb's not quite three yet, but shows no fear and he's shown me how to accept this change as much as I've shown him.
Welcome to the world baby brother. We are all anxious to see you and to see where this adventure takes us.
Don't get me wrong; I'm vey excited to meet him and welcome him home. But I'm also disappointed to lose the life we have now.
The last few years since Caleb was born have been more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I never dreamed having a little boy would be so much fun and bring me so much joy. I can't begin to describe how I feel about our little family.
When we first started to discuss having another baby and then started trying, I was completely on board. But when Julie first told me she was pregnant, my first thought was, "wait, I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to give up the life we have with Caleb." After a couple of weeks, I was able to come to grips with the idea of a second baby and started getting excited. In the back of my mind, however, there was a sense of urgency to make sure we made these last few months special for Caleb.
As time went on, we did lots of different things with Caleb and the reality of the pregnancy settled in. I grew more and more excited as we talked about baby names and other decisions we were making.
In the last few weeks, as the due date has approached, I've felt some some of the initial doubts and second-guesses enter back into my mind. I know in my heart that as soon as I see the new baby and hold him for the first time, I will love him more than life itself. But I just can't shake the feeling that while we are gaining another son, we are losing something in the process.
As I've tried to process these feelings, I've tried to come up with a word to describe what I'm feeling. Is it doubt? Fear? Regret? It finally occurred to me that I am feeling remorse. I am mourning the closing of a chapter of our lives that we will never have back. Barring some sort of tragedy, this time in our lives with Caleb will be nothing more than a memory as a new chapter unfolds.
When I put it in these terms, I realize it's OK to feel this way. Whenever I've had these feelings, I've felt guilty for having them. Frankly, they've scared me. Now that I understand these feelings, I embrace them because I'm not wishing that the next chapter wouldn't come; I'm just having a hard time leaving the old chapter behind.
I think part of what drives the feelings of remorse is a sense of inadequacy. I worry that I haven't given him what he deserves or that we haven't made the most of the time we've had. I worry that I don't have a chance to fix any mistakes I've made.
As part of this mourning process, I've been cherishing our various "last moments" together. I gave him his last bath last night and we said our last prayer together. I gave him breakfast for the last time this morning. I've been sadly aware the last few days that I will no longer do these things for just him. From now on, my attention will be divided and that breaks my heart for him.
It was really important to me to make Christmas special for him. I made sure I was able to put lights on our house for the first time this year because he asked for them. He helped decorate the Christmas tree. We had friends over on Christmas Eve. I knew that it was our last chance to do some something special for just him.
I had an especially poignant "last moment" Saturday night. Julie's been in the hospital for a few days, so Caleb and I have been home alone. Since he was born, it has been my habit to go in his room each night and check on him. Early on, as a new father, I was checking to make sure he was breathing. As I grew more comfortable with him and knew that he was fine, I continued to go into his room because I couldn't get enough of him. Now it's just a habit I can't give up.
On Saturday night, as I went into his room, it dawned on me that I would no longer be visiting his room just to see him. I sat down next to his bed so I could just savor those few remaining precious moments and watch him sleep. He was so calm and peaceful. As I left his room, I realized there are no more words to write in that chapter. A new chapter is beginning and I can't wait to see what it holds.
I dropped him off with the baby sitter this morning and I won't see him again until he's a big brother and our whole world has changed. The next time we see each other, I'll be introducing him to his little brother. He's going to be fantastic. He's so excited to see his little brother, the baby sitter told me that Caleb wanted to buy his baby brother pacifiers today. Caleb's not quite three yet, but shows no fear and he's shown me how to accept this change as much as I've shown him.
Welcome to the world baby brother. We are all anxious to see you and to see where this adventure takes us.
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